With one flick of a switch a shadow hovered over my day. The garbage disposal hummed instead of whirring as it should have. Darn it! Dirty dishes filled the sink, I was in a hurry to get out the door to a funeral, other more pressing issues awaited me. I was stuck. Recollections of a most recent $400 plumbers bill loomed ominously in my mind. I don't have time for this...yet I have no other choice. This is a problem that doesn't just disappear. One has to address it sooner or later. It will sit and wait patiently for you and outlast all of your dismissals and denials. The dishes will continue to pile no matter how much money you do or do not have to cover the cost of a plumber.
As I proceed with my day, thoughts of the malfunctioning mechanism continue to brew and bubble. Nagging thoughts invade my mind. Didn't I solve a problem like this years ago? I'm trying to focus on the people in front of me. Didn't I buy an allen wrench to loosen that gadget on the underside? I want to live in the present. Where did I put that wrench?
Back at home, I rummage through closets and cubbies. What did that thing look like? Stress is mounting. I wanted to spend my day in other ways. How big is it supposed to be? STOP IT! Stop letting this minor problem monopolize your day. I walk a mile up to the local hardware store and tap into the 30+ years of experience the gray-haired man behind the counter invested in knowing such things. I ask my question, his eyes immediately register insight, he walks briskly over to the exact tool I need and says "That'll be $1.89, please."
I feel my spirit is lighter as I stroll the mile home. I reflect on the story of the couple who distressed for two years over what they feared was a transmission going bad. The fear kept them babying the car, avoiding using their reverse and avoiding the mechanic for fear of a big bill. Instead they held their breath and nutured their angst until circumstances forced them to address the problem. The end result? "That'll be $5.00, please." A screw was loose.
My handy new wrench does the trick. With some running water and a slight twist, a jammed cherry pit is dislodged and my disposal is whirring again. I tape my new wrench to the side of the disposal. It's standing at attention, ready to rescue me the next time. There will be a next time. But I have been changed in the process. I've learned that dealing with facts is much less stressful than perseverating over possibilities. I've learned that being organized is a gift of time and energy to myself. I've learned that tapping into other people's strengths makes me stronger. I learned that sometimes the only thing that stands between me and peace of mind is just a short stroll and $1.89.
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Armed for the Task
It can be a knee-jerk reaction for parents, teachers, grandparents, etc. to respond to children's indiscretions and poor choices by applying a heavy hand. Yelling, scolding, and grounding are often the default tools of the trade. These methods tend to add tension in the environment and distance in the relationship. These reactions stems from a punitive framework that drives a wedge between the key players and incites many negative emotions for everyone involved. I suggest that authority figures in children's lives take the time to write a list of "constructive consequences" for the common discipline problems that may arise. Composing this list in advance helps calm heads and creativity prevail in moments of crisis. Start building strong character and positive relationships today! Let "constructive consequences" (see below) replace "punishments" in your world.
Constructive Consequences
In order for a consequence to be considered constructive it must either build a skill, solve a problem or improve the environment. For instance, imagine that your children have been bickering. Sending them to their rooms may bring instant relief for mom or dad, but it doesn't diffuse the negative emotions that have surfaced. It doesn't teach conflict resolution either. In fact, it may promote avoidance and escapism - two habits that lead to poor relationships later in life. Yelling at them merely increases tension and mimics the kind of behavior you want to stop.
Perhaps a better solution is to assign each party three chores that directly and positively impact the other person. Johnny makes Suzie's bed and Suzie makes Johnny's bed. Suzie washes Johnny's dishes and Johnny folds Suzie's clothes that day. Better yet, let Johnny and Suzie choose the acts of service they will complete for each other. When the acts of service are complete assign a joint, fun activity for them to complete together - board games, jig saw puzzles, word searches, an exercise video, baking a cake, etc. are possible choices.
This concept can be modified for age appropriateness and can be used throughout child rearing. It is far superior to yelling or "grounding," which are more "punishing" to the parent to implement and tends to sustain negativity.
Celebrate Successes - (Positive Reinforcement)
Since drawing attention to things increases the probability of them being repeated, why not verbally affirm the things you really want repeated? Try to "catch" your child doing the things you like. Doing so could change the whole tone of your family culture. Say words like, "Thanks for coming right home from school today." "Good job remembering to brush your teeth." " I noticed that you and your brother worked well together when you played that game. I'll resist the urge to give examples of what you shouldn't say, since I would rather you wouldn't repeat it. :-)
Addressing Hitting and Biting
When you find yourself having to respond to the fact that one child has just hit or bit another child, COMFORT THE INJURED PARTY! Do that first. Don't direct your attention toward the offender in any way until after their victim's pain is soothed. In doing so, you will teach all the witnesses (including the offender) that mercy, compassion and love trumps all else. You are also modeling empathy for the offender; a skill they lacked when they committed the offense.
Kids Make Plans Too
Kids make plans too - don't blindside them with instant orders to change their activities. Give them lead time and a way to make alternative plans . For example: "We are going to the store in half an hour, so you might want to finish up the game you are playing." Or, "We'll have time to finish that project tomorrow afternoon...."
A collection of vignettes and tidbits percolated in the mind of a professional counselor, who is a mother of four and grandmother of eleven.
Grace-based Parenting Tips
Armed for the Task
It can be a knee-jerk reaction for parents, teachers, grandparents, etc. to respond to children's indiscretions and poor choices by applying a heavy hand. Yelling, scolding, and grounding are often the default tools of the trade. These methods tend to add tension in the environment and distance in the relationship. These reactions stems from a punitive framework that drives a wedge between the key players and incites many negative emotions for everyone involved. I suggest that authority figures in children's lives take the time to write a list of "constructive consequences" for the common discipline problems that may arise. Composing this list in advance helps calm heads and creativity prevail in moments of crisis. Start building strong character and positive relationships today! Let "constructive consequences" (see below) replace "punishments" in your world.
Constructive Consequences
In order for a consequence to be considered constructive it must either build a skill, solve a problem or improve the environment. For instance, imagine that your children have been bickering. Sending them to their rooms may bring instant relief for mom or dad, but it doesn't diffuse the negative emotions that have surfaced. It doesn't teach conflict resolution either. In fact, it may promote avoidance and escapism - two habits that lead to poor relationships later in life. Yelling at them merely increases tension and mimics the kind of behavior you want to stop.
Perhaps a better solution is to assign each party three chores that directly and positively impact the other person. Johnny makes Suzie's bed and Suzie makes Johnny's bed. Suzie washes Johnny's dishes and Johnny folds Suzie's clothes that day. Better yet, let Johnny and Suzie choose the acts of service they will complete for each other. When the acts of service are complete assign a joint, fun activity for them to complete together - board games, jig saw puzzles, word searches, an exercise video, baking a cake, etc. are possible choices.
This concept can be modified for age appropriateness and can be used throughout child rearing. It is far superior to yelling or "grounding," which are more "punishing" to the parent to implement and tends to sustain negativity.
Celebrate Successes - (Positive Reinforcement)
Since drawing attention to things increases the probability of them being repeated, why not verbally affirm the things you really want repeated? Try to "catch" your child doing the things you like. Doing so could change the whole tone of your family culture. Say words like, "Thanks for coming right home from school today." "Good job remembering to brush your teeth." " I noticed that you and your brother worked well together when you played that game. I'll resist the urge to give examples of what you shouldn't say, since I would rather you wouldn't repeat it. :-)
Addressing Hitting and Biting
When you find yourself having to respond to the fact that one child has just hit or bit another child, COMFORT THE INJURED PARTY! Do that first. Don't direct your attention toward the offender in any way until after their victim's pain is soothed. In doing so, you will teach all the witnesses (including the offender) that mercy, compassion and love trumps all else. You are also modeling empathy for the offender; a skill they lacked when they committed the offense.
Kids Make Plans Too
Kids make plans too - don't blindside them with instant orders to change their activities. Give them lead time and a way to make alternative plans . For example: "We are going to the store in half an hour, so you might want to finish up the game you are playing." Or, "We'll have time to finish that project tomorrow afternoon...."
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Savvy Quotes
Fully Known and Fully Loved
"Tenderness awakens within the security of knowing we are thoroughly and sincerely liked by someone. The mere presence of that special someone in a crowded room brings an inward sigh of relief and a strong sense of feeling safe. The experience of a warm, caring, affective presence banishes our fears. The defense mechanisms of the impostor - sarcasm, name-dropping, self-righteousness, the need to impress others - fall away. We become more open, real, vulnerable, and affectionate. We grow tender." from Abba's Child, by Brennan Manning
A Guiding Thought
No one cares how much you know, until they know you care.
Too Much Privacy
To be unknown by God is entirely too much privacy.
~Thomas Merton
"Tenderness awakens within the security of knowing we are thoroughly and sincerely liked by someone. The mere presence of that special someone in a crowded room brings an inward sigh of relief and a strong sense of feeling safe. The experience of a warm, caring, affective presence banishes our fears. The defense mechanisms of the impostor - sarcasm, name-dropping, self-righteousness, the need to impress others - fall away. We become more open, real, vulnerable, and affectionate. We grow tender." from Abba's Child, by Brennan Manning
A Guiding Thought
No one cares how much you know, until they know you care.
Too Much Privacy
To be unknown by God is entirely too much privacy.
~Thomas Merton
About Me
- Monica Michael, MA, LLPC
- I am a counselor in private practice offering clients drug-free approaches to ADHD, anxiety, depression. I conduct highly-interactive marriage counseling sessions and address personal development goals for clients seeking to reach the next level in their own journey.
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