The Jewel of Consistency

Okay, let's face it, a whole lot of what we have in life is the result of consistency. My bank balance is what it is either because I consistently made deposits or habitually withdrew funds. I am either persistently putting things where they belong or chronically leaving them out. My garage, house, and car reflect my choices. If I want to change my outcomes, I can do so right now, and now, and now, and now. See my point?

Through a long string of nows, I can dramatically change my environment, my skills, my attitude and even my relationships. The Karate Kid, classically depicted this principle. By giving Daniel a series of well-chosen, routine tasks, Mr. Miyagi stealthily teaches Daniel to practice the motions required to master martial arts. Daniel repeatedly chooses to exercise trust in Mr. Miyagi, although at times very grudgingly. The prize for Daniel in the end is a dramatically improved set of skills, outlook, and friendships.



The fishmongers of the Pike Place Fish Market promote a philosophy that embraces such personal responsibility to the max. According to Cindy Crother (2004) "It's all over here" is their way of conveying the idea that I am responsible for "what I experience in my life and for whatever future I cause to happen in my life." As Crother describes in Catch, the emphasis is on who we are and what we want. An emphasis that you may recognize from my post on Third Wave Psychology.

I can look at my friends' and family members' successes and choose to emulate them. Or I can summon up a boatload of excuses for why their successes are unique to them and unachievable for me. Another choice I have is to applaud their successes and acknowledge that I have equal successes in different areas because I care about other things. While they learned to climb mountains, I have learned to write about them. While they have logged hours on the golf course, I have logged hours in the class room. While I was experiencing what it is to live in one city after another, they were paying down a mortgage. Spreading wings is as valid as growing roots. Though each produces different outcomes, both require a series of personal choices.

I am who I am and I am responsible.

The Changing Face of ADHD

In Anticipation of the upcoming ADHD Awareness Month, (September), I offer these stats:

Changing Rate of ADHD Diagnoses
1981 - 1-2% of school-age children (Brown et al., 2008; Barkley, 1981)
2000 - +4% (Brown et al., 2008; Barkley, 1981)
2006 - in Michigan alone there is a “ten-fold variation in rates of stimulant prescription from county to county, ranging from 0.25% to 2.8% among all children, and from 0.9% to 11.7% among 10-to 11-year-old boys (the most frequently medicated group) (Nigg, 2006)

Changing Scope of ADHD Diagnoses
1981 - six- to ten-year olds would typically take stimulant meds for approx. 3 years (Barkley, 1981)
Today - preschoolers - secondary school children take stimulants an average of 2-7 years. (Brown et al., 2008, Safer & Zito, 2000, )
65% of children previously diagnosed with ADHD continue to meet the criteria as adults. (Thrash, 2006)

Many professionals are concerned that stimulant meds may be sustaining the pathology and creating dependence on the drugs (Breggin, 201; Eide & Eide, 2006).

Moses or Jesus

We have a choice as parents. We can decide whether we are going to use Moses or Jesus as our model. We can either, like Moses, lay down the law and demand compliance as we stand like judges handing out blessings and curses.

Or we can, like Jesus, come alongside our children, modeling the behaviour we want to encourage in them and supplying them with all the tools they will need to succeed.

Let me illustrate the difference. Say you have a 7- to 10-year-old that has an incredibly messy room. You can order them to clean the room. You can even give them a time limit in which to get it done. You might also hang a series of threats over their heads to "motivate" them. You know, threats such as, "no T.V. until your room is clean" or "you're not having friends over until I approve your work" or "you're going to lose your video games for a week if you don't clean your room now!"

The tension is tight and you've laid down the law. Then you sit back, ready to spring on the slightest infraction, missed sock, or building block. The hammer is ready to fall - fall hard. It's a "do" or "die" situation.

Or

You could walk in the room with your child. You could work with your child to identify the problem areas and the solutions needed. With a how-can-I-help-you-solve-your-problem attitude you can ask the child to decide "do you have enough hangers?" "would a book shelf help?" "do you think this would stay cleaner if we packed away the things you no longer use?"

A messy room becomes an opportunity to transfer life skills to your child. Clean rooms are achieved through using talents like goal setting, prioritization, list making, sorting, team building, and negotiation. With the help of an inexpensive timer, messy rooms present the perfect scenario for teaching time-management skills and self-control. Ask your child to predict how long it will take to make the bed and then use the timer to check accuracy. This will add interest to an otherwise mundane job, and teach your child perspective. This activity also provides a baseline against which progress can be measured and personal "bests" can be improved.

More importantly, using this method becomes an open door for building a relationship with your child instead of a hierarchy. It is fertile ground for extending empathy and forging connections with your child. In the pattern of Jesus, you convey the idea that you can sympathize with their plight and are not asking them to do anything you personally are unwilling to do.

Tension is de-escalated. You are looking for ways your child can succeed. It is a "do this and live" situation.

So which will it be for you? Moses or Jesus?