Moses or Jesus

We have a choice as parents. We can decide whether we are going to use Moses or Jesus as our model. We can either, like Moses, lay down the law and demand compliance as we stand like judges handing out blessings and curses.

Or we can, like Jesus, come alongside our children, modeling the behaviour we want to encourage in them and supplying them with all the tools they will need to succeed.

Let me illustrate the difference. Say you have a 7- to 10-year-old that has an incredibly messy room. You can order them to clean the room. You can even give them a time limit in which to get it done. You might also hang a series of threats over their heads to "motivate" them. You know, threats such as, "no T.V. until your room is clean" or "you're not having friends over until I approve your work" or "you're going to lose your video games for a week if you don't clean your room now!"

The tension is tight and you've laid down the law. Then you sit back, ready to spring on the slightest infraction, missed sock, or building block. The hammer is ready to fall - fall hard. It's a "do" or "die" situation.

Or

You could walk in the room with your child. You could work with your child to identify the problem areas and the solutions needed. With a how-can-I-help-you-solve-your-problem attitude you can ask the child to decide "do you have enough hangers?" "would a book shelf help?" "do you think this would stay cleaner if we packed away the things you no longer use?"

A messy room becomes an opportunity to transfer life skills to your child. Clean rooms are achieved through using talents like goal setting, prioritization, list making, sorting, team building, and negotiation. With the help of an inexpensive timer, messy rooms present the perfect scenario for teaching time-management skills and self-control. Ask your child to predict how long it will take to make the bed and then use the timer to check accuracy. This will add interest to an otherwise mundane job, and teach your child perspective. This activity also provides a baseline against which progress can be measured and personal "bests" can be improved.

More importantly, using this method becomes an open door for building a relationship with your child instead of a hierarchy. It is fertile ground for extending empathy and forging connections with your child. In the pattern of Jesus, you convey the idea that you can sympathize with their plight and are not asking them to do anything you personally are unwilling to do.

Tension is de-escalated. You are looking for ways your child can succeed. It is a "do this and live" situation.

So which will it be for you? Moses or Jesus?