Fresh Brewed Thoughts: Christianity and an Existential Perspective

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Christianity and an Existential Perspective

Sometimes I lose sight of the obvious things. I temporarily forget foundational truths that otherwise keep me focused and balanced. Day to day life comes in to overwhelm me. Or things just sneak up on me. Before I realize it I am under a mountain (or at least a molehill) of things I have left unprocessed. My sense of well-being gasps for air under such piles. It is at times like these that friends who will remind me of what I know become such a blessing to me.

At other times, it's the unidentified, emotion-laden baggage that I carry which holds me captive. In this case, it's not propositional truth that delivers me, but a fresh experience of God's grace. It is at times like these when nothing will substitute for a personal message from Him. This is when the existentialist's emphasis on the here-and-now is of utmost importance. Because it is only in the here and now that God's grace is experienced. Right here. Right now.

The thing I find exciting about all of this is that my friend can be a conduit for fulfilling either need. She can remind me of the propositional truths that I am forgetting. Or she can usher in a fresh encounter with God. Solitude is not a requirement for such connections. Sometimes God uses my friend's voice to speak to me. Sometimes He uses mine to convey a tender, personal message to my friend or to the client whom I am serving.

For instance, knowing I will be with this friend (or client) soon, I pray "God, what is it that you want to say to ______?" As I give myself to contemplating our meeting, perhaps a singular thought recurs... A thought such as, "she has a problem, but she thinks she is a problem."

I wonder about the recurrence of this thought, so I venture out and say to my friend, "Do you know that you are not a problem?" If she responds with a blank stare I assume the thought was me-generated and it served no purpose. But if she wells up in tears and tells me she has been plagued by self-doubts and despair, I tell her I have reason to believe that the comment was given to me by God. I tell her, "I think God wants you to know that you are not a problem" and then I step out of the way.

I start to I wonder if I should be slipping off my shoes, because I am pretty sure I am standing on holy ground.

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Grace-based Parenting Tips

Armed for the Task
It can be a knee-jerk reaction for parents, teachers, grandparents, etc. to respond to children's indiscretions and poor choices by applying a heavy hand. Yelling, scolding, and grounding are often the default tools of the trade. These methods tend to add tension in the environment and distance in the relationship. These reactions stems from a punitive framework that drives a wedge between the key players and incites many negative emotions for everyone involved. I suggest that authority figures in children's lives take the time to write a list of "constructive consequences" for the common discipline problems that may arise. Composing this list in advance helps calm heads and creativity prevail in moments of crisis. Start building strong character and positive relationships today! Let "constructive consequences" (see below) replace "punishments" in your world.

Constructive Consequences
In order for a consequence to be considered constructive it must either build a skill, solve a problem or improve the environment. For instance, imagine that your children have been bickering. Sending them to their rooms may bring instant relief for mom or dad, but it doesn't diffuse the negative emotions that have surfaced. It doesn't teach conflict resolution either. In fact, it may promote avoidance and escapism - two habits that lead to poor relationships later in life. Yelling at them merely increases tension and mimics the kind of behavior you want to stop.
Perhaps a better solution is to assign each party three chores that directly and positively impact the other person. Johnny makes Suzie's bed and Suzie makes Johnny's bed. Suzie washes Johnny's dishes and Johnny folds Suzie's clothes that day. Better yet, let Johnny and Suzie choose the acts of service they will complete for each other. When the acts of service are complete assign a joint, fun activity for them to complete together - board games, jig saw puzzles, word searches, an exercise video, baking a cake, etc. are possible choices.

This concept can be modified for age appropriateness and can be used throughout child rearing. It is far superior to yelling or "grounding," which are more "punishing" to the parent to implement and tends to sustain negativity.

Celebrate Successes - (Positive Reinforcement)

Since drawing attention to things increases the probability of them being repeated, why not verbally affirm the things you really want repeated? Try to "catch" your child doing the things you like. Doing so could change the whole tone of your family culture. Say words like, "Thanks for coming right home from school today." "Good job remembering to brush your teeth." " I noticed that you and your brother worked well together when you played that game. I'll resist the urge to give examples of what you shouldn't say, since I would rather you wouldn't repeat it. :-)

Addressing Hitting and Biting

When you find yourself having to respond to the fact that one child has just hit or bit another child, COMFORT THE INJURED PARTY! Do that first. Don't direct your attention toward the offender in any way until after their victim's pain is soothed. In doing so, you will teach all the witnesses (including the offender) that mercy, compassion and love trumps all else. You are also modeling empathy for the offender; a skill they lacked when they committed the offense.

Kids Make Plans Too

Kids make plans too - don't blindside them with instant orders to change their activities. Give them lead time and a way to make alternative plans . For example: "We are going to the store in half an hour, so you might want to finish up the game you are playing." Or, "We'll have time to finish that project tomorrow afternoon...."

Savvy Quotes

Fully Known and Fully Loved
"Tenderness awakens within the security of knowing we are thoroughly and sincerely liked by someone. The mere presence of that special someone in a crowded room brings an inward sigh of relief and a strong sense of feeling safe. The experience of a warm, caring, affective presence banishes our fears. The defense mechanisms of the impostor - sarcasm, name-dropping, self-righteousness, the need to impress others - fall away. We become more open, real, vulnerable, and affectionate. We grow tender." from Abba's Child, by Brennan Manning

A Guiding Thought
No one cares how much you know, until they know you care.

Too Much Privacy
To be unknown by God is entirely too much privacy.
~Thomas Merton

Fresh Brewed Thoughts

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Christianity and an Existential Perspective

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